Nothing Personal
by berrywarbler
Summary: Rachel didn't like waiting around for things that weren't hers to begin with. But there were a lot of things that she did for Blaine that she wouldn't do for anyone else.
1. Come Round Soon

Rachel _knew _what this was, what their "relationship" technically consisted of. She didn't like it, would have given so much to change it, but then she saw him and Kurt and how happy they were, and knew that no matter how selfish she was, she couldn't destroy that.

She knew it was her own fault for getting into this mess, for letting him do this to her time and time again. But it was so much easier to blame someone else, so when she felt like it was time to do that she blamed Finn. If Finn hadn't called her the needy girl drunk, hadn't made her feel worthless and pathetic, she would have never suggested spin the bottle in the first place. Blaine and her would have never kissed, and Blaine would have never had to question what he thought he had a firm grip on. So, when he slipped out of her bedroom or when she drove back to her own house, she liked to place the blame on Finn. It was easier than blaming herself, easier than blaming Blaine.

She had tried to make too much of it once, asking Blaine out on a date. The very thought covered her in shame and embarrassment, regardless of the fact that they had a lovely time. But he didn't want to _date _her, he just wanted to fuck her and leave her behind while he went on dating Kurt. And she sat idly by, watching as their relationship grew.

The first time Blaine and Kurt kissed, Blaine came to her. He was upset, conflicted, visibly confused when she opened her door. "Hello?" she had answered, just as confused as he was. After the disaster in the coffee shop, she hadn't seen much of him, not that she had been seeking him out. Regardless of what she told Kurt, songwriting gold or not (the not having been proving more relevant), it had hurt her to hear that he was 100% gay, that she stood no chance with him. Their romance had been fleeting, but she had thought _maybe _there was something more there. And she had been sure he had felt it as much as she had.

But there he was, on her doorstep at 9pm. Her dads were still out, grabbing a late dinner and movie while Rachel stayed home trying to focus on song writing. "I-" he started, gulping and looking almost scared. She frowned but grabbed his hand, pulling him inside and leading him to the couch.

"Blaine, what's wrong?" she had asked, her voice soothing and comforting as he looked at the ground, still unsure of everything.

"I think Kurt and I are dating?" he questioned, looking up at her now. She ignored the flutter that took over her entire body when his hazel eyes gazed into her brown ones, biting her lip and trying to decide how exactly this led to him on her doorstep.

"Isn't that a good thing?" she asked a moment later, still quiet.

"Yeah," he responded, then looked guilty and repeated "Yes, yes it is," with more enthusiasm. "It's just," he added after a moment's hesitation, but the words seemed to falter out once more.

"You can tell me," she promised. "It can stay between us. I love Kurt, and he's one of my best friends, but I can be your friend too Blaine. You can confide in me."

He didn't answer her with words, instead leaning forward and kissing her. It was quick, momentary, unlike their past kisses that had more heat in them. His eyes were wide when he pulled away, almost like he was surprised at himself.

"Okay," she had said after a minute, trying to get a hold of herself. "I mean, not okay. Because you're probably dating Kurt, and you're gay, so I'm confused."

"So am I," he answered her truthfully.

They hadn't talked much longer after that.

* * *

><p>But that was almost two months ago, and things had certainly progressed since then. When Kurt was thought to be cheating with Sam, she was almost hopeful that the rumor was true. She didn't voice her opinion aloud, no one knew about her and Blaine. But even when they were all intervening, telling Kurt not to cheat on Blaine, that Blaine was wonderful for him and he'd just end up hurting him if he was hooking up with Sam, she had to keep the truth to herself. That Blaine was doing the same to Kurt, sneaking around and cheating and Rachel just wanted him all to herself.<p>

She would never voice this aloud, because it wasn't what Blaine wanted. Blaine saw her as a warm body, a good use for experimentation, to figure out if maybe he did like girls as well as boys. All the romance, the feelings-they were reserved for Kurt. They had fallen into a system, when one of them needed it, they'd call on the other. More often than not it was Blaine calling on Rachel, showing up at her house at midnight and waiting til she slipped out the front door so they could fool around in his car, sliding in through the door in her basement at 10pm when she claimed to be working on vocal exercises. Her dads never questioned anything, probably had no idea what was going on at all. They trusted her, heard from Kurt and Mercedes how Finn and her were circling each other but not yet dating, never thought that Kurt's boyfriend might be the one to make her skin crawl and get her to try things she'd never even imagined before.

* * *

><p>"It's too hot," Santana whined, splashing water on herself from the pool as she stretched on the floatie she was laying on.<p>

"It's summer," Quinn replied lazily from another floatie nearby. "It's supposed to be hot. That's why we go to pools."

"I can't get my hair wet," Santana snarked, rolling her eyes as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Rachel watched the girls bicker from the side of the pool, her feet dangling in the water as she drank a beverage that she would have bet her entire Barbra Streisand collection Puck had spiked with alcohol. She hadn't even asked for a drink, but Puck seemed determined to get everyone drunk-a seemingly dangerous combination next to the pool.

Kurt, Blaine and Finn were lighting sprinklers and passing them to Tina and Mercedes who handed them out to the group, Finn occasionally grinning at Rachel when he caught her eye. She smiled guiltily back, all too aware that she hadn't been focused on her on-again boyfriend. Blaine, for his part, was smiling happily at Kurt, giving him his full attention as the two laughed about something.

"Is something wrong Rachel?" Brittany asked, coming to sit next to her on the side of the pool. Rachel smiled at the blonde, shaking her head.

"Of course not, everything's wonderful," she answered her, confident her voice sounded sure enough to fool at least Brittany.

Of course, Brittany had her moments where she saw through peoples lies and zeroed in on the truth, and as the two continued to stare at each other, Rachel feared it might be one of those moments. "Well, that's good," Brittany finally replied, kicking her feet in the water and splashing Santana as she floated by, earning herself a glare. "Actually, I was wondering if you would like to appear on Fondue for Two? You're one of the only ones I haven't interviewed yet, Lord Tubbington is really excited to meet you. I told him what a great singer you are."

"That sounds great," Rachel replied distractedly, her heart almost breaking in two as she glanced over to see Kurt and Blaine kissing, giggling the entire time in a sense that told her the pair were almost certainly drunk.

"Great! I'll just have to find someone to come on with you; otherwise it'd just be silly." Rachel nodded, completely tuning her out now as Kurt grabbed Blaine's hand, dragging him away from where Finn stood looking awkward.

"Fabulous, just let me know when okay?" Rachel told her, standing up and picking up her empty glass, wandering over to where Puck was standing at the makeshift bar.

"Refill Berry?"

"Yes please," she sighed heavily, and though Puck looked at her with concern he said nothing as Finn joined them.

"Hey," Finn said, kissing the side of her head. "You wanna go for a walk?" he asked quietly near her ear so Puck wouldn't hear, and she smiled softly at him.

"I think I'm going to head inside for a few minutes, lay down. I'm getting a headache," she lied.

"Well, I can come with you," Finn offered, a hurt expression across his face.

"No, you stay out here, have fun," she kissed him on the cheek before turning to head inside, ignoring the drink Puck had made for her.

* * *

><p>Quinn's house was large, and she had only been there once or twice before, so it took awhile to find a quiet room where she could lay down. She paused outside one door, sure she heard noises that seemed far too familiar, growls she had heard aimed towards her as recently as two days ago, and it took her a minute before she could move on down the hall.<p>

She was terrified what it would mean if Kurt and Blaine were starting to become physical, Kurt starting to trust Blaine enough to explore more of each other. As much as she hated that both she and Blaine were cheaters now, she felt wanted and appreciated by him.

She lay down on a bed in what was clearly a spare room, her heart longing for Blaine to be there beside her. She could hear the party two floors below, heard Mike's yells as he was undoubtedly becoming the drunkest in the group, but felt nothing for rejoining the group. Her heart was slowly residing in Blaine's hands, and he threw it around as carelessly as he pleased, possibly unaware of the hold he was gaining over her.

She just wanted him to want her as badly as she wanted him, fully and completely. He wanted him to forget consequences and how much it would hurt Finn and Kurt, to sweep her off her feet and tell her she was beautiful, serenade her with that rough voice he got when they were alone, tell her she was the only one for him. But even the bits and pieces she ever got of that, the occasional "I want you, I need you" that he'd whisper against her skin wasn't enough for her, because deep down when she was alone again, laying there and wondering when he would ever stop him, she knew it was a lie. All his sweet words that lulled her into a false sense of security when he was around felt cold and empty when he was gone, his words hollow as they danced around in her brain all hours of the day until he came back to her, a few more hours he could spare for her.

Rachel wasn't even sure if it was experimentation for him anymore-though she was sure it was that at first. But as they progressed, far faster than she had even expected from herself, far further than she let Finn get even now, she was positive that it became less of a _maybe I'm not 100% gay _thing and more of an _I really need to get off now _thing. To him, it didn't matter if it was Rachel or Brittany or Santana or Finn, he just needed someone to get him off, and she happened to be the one stupid enough to comply.

The sky grew dark outside the window, the cheers and laughter from the pool below growing louder, and she was almost asleep when he opened the door, calling her name and lifting her out of her fog.

"Rachel?" he asked, not bothering to turn on the lights-lights took time, showed the harsh reality of what was happening, they much preferred to move in the dark.

"Blaine?" She whispered, though there was no need. If Blaine had come to find her, Kurt was already outside again.

He strode across the room, grabbing her forcefully and pulling her to him, and all her thoughts about how despicable this was and how horrible it made her feel afterwards got pushed away, because as much as it always hurt when he was gone, it was only a matter of time before he came back.


	2. Not Alone

Blaine knew what he was doing to her. He saw the way she'd look at him when she thought he wasn't looking at her, saw how it broke her heart when he was with Kurt. But he was _happy _with Kurt, he even loved Kurt. Their relationship was simple and yet complicated, loving and caring and there was no secrets or lies between the two.

Except that big one, the one that Blaine knew would destroy their relationship, their friendship, everything he thought he'd never have-at least, not while he was still in high school in Ohio.

He couldn't even really remember how it started, though he was sure she could tell you down to the minute it took place. The only thing he knew for certain was that he and Kurt had gotten together, and all of a sudden these emotions and feelings overwhelmed him, and like a scared little boy he ran to the first thing that popped in his mind. He wasn't even sure why it was Rachel, he had never figured out why it was her of all girls that he was attracted too, but there was no doubt in his mind that he was. He'd been around Santana and Quinn and all them and never felt anything more than a vague notion of friendship, of solidarity. But when Rachel was around, he couldn't seem to help himself.

It didn't make sense to him, and if he had a friend who he thought he could confide in without repercussions, he would have jumped at the opportunity. But the only friends he really thought of as _friends _were the two people he was sleeping with, and while Rachel knew of Kurt, Kurt would probably murder him and his whole family if he found out about Rachel. His feelings for Rachel confused him more than anything. He loved her as a friend, and while their encounters outside of the bedroom (or his car) were becoming increasingly awkward, he still thought that they were better off as friends. Friends who couldn't keep their hands off each other when they were alone, but friends nonetheless.

He had always thought that friendship and a mutual attraction was really all you needed to be in a relationship, and in some ways he did still think that. After all, that was what he had with Kurt. He could tell Kurt about anything in the world, and Kurt would listen, his hands usually idly scratching through Blaine's hair. But with Rachel, he didn't necessarily want to _date _her. He wasn't sure what it was-the fact that dating her openly would mean he'd have to actually address the situation; he'd have to question what was happening in the first place; he knew how much it would hurt Kurt. So instead, Rachel was shunted to the side, left alone until he wanted her enough to give in one more time.

* * *

><p>Getting jealous of Finn was ridiculous and a waste of time. Finn was allowed to have Rachel, was allowed to date her without anyone questioning it-too much.<p>

"I just don't see why they need to go through this again," Kurt sighed one night after the four of them had watched a movie, by the end Rachel and Finn were arguing about something.

"How many times have they been together before?" Blaine asked, trying to sound casual. It was stupid, he reminded himself, to get attached just because someone else was interested in her now. He didn't even mind that much when the old lead from Vocal Adrenaline took her to prom, and he liked Finn, so he wasn't sure what the issue was.

"I don't know, I've lost count by now. It feels like it's been about twelve hundred though, and that's the important thing. They just don't work together." Blaine raised his eyebrow, glancing up at his boyfriend.

"But you told her to go back to him," he reminded Kurt.

"Inadvertently! I was trying to show her that the stage was her calling, that Broadway was supposed to be her one true love. The only thing I said about Finn was that she needed to visualize both her options. Her options with Finn are far fewer than being single until we head to New York."

"And…."

Kurt rolled his eyes, sitting down on the bed next to Blaine, looking thoroughly irritated by now. "And that she could always bring him along so he could move heavy things, but I didn't think she'd listen to that part!"

"Well, what are the chances of Finn actually getting into a school in the city?" Blaine asked, and Kurt grimaced.

"Not good. Even if he did, I don't know how we'd afford it."

"Not with your mind set on Parsons, right?" he grinned, and Kurt shoved him playfully. "Well, they're already looking rocky and it's only been a few weeks. Maybe they'll break up soon and we can be over with the drama by the time school starts up again?"

"Maybe. She doesn't seem as interested in him as she used to be, which might be more worrisome because that means there's another guy she's interested in, and that rarely ends up well. I can only hope that Jesse has long since disappeared." Blaine felt his stomach clench at Kurt's words, and he looked down at Kurt's bedspread as he tried to ignore it.

"Hopefully," he said distantly, grabbing Kurt and pulling him towards him-anything for a distraction. Kurt squealed, a noise that Blaine usually laughed at, and their conversation was quickly forgotten.

* * *

><p>Blaine had seen Rachel walk past through a crack in the door, and when Kurt was ready to head back downstairs, Blaine said he was going to find some aspirin to head off the hangover he was sure to have. Never having a reason not to trust Blaine, Kurt kissed his cheek before disappearing back downstairs and towards the backyard while Blaine glanced in empty room after empty room.<p>

When he finally found Rachel, she was laying down in the dark, clearly letting her mind run away from her. His heart felt like it was breaking, and while he knew he shouldn't, he couldn't help himself as he crossed the room and fell into bed with her one more time.

* * *

><p>It was her turn to leave first now, and he sat quietly as she dressed and disappeared, a word hardly having left her mouth since he walked in the room. Their fling was taking its toll on her, and he could see it probably more than anyone else. Finn assumed she was stressed with getting ready for college visits and interviews and applications, Kurt assumed she was just being more Rachel than normal.<p>

He wandered back down the stairs as well, smiling at Kurt as he ran off the edge of the deck and jumped into the pool, causing the girls still floating around to squeal loudly. Finn jumped in next, followed shortly by Mike and Puck, and Blaine wandered to an empty patch of grass beyond and laid down, staring up at the evening sky. The music was still thumping, some new rap song that Santana was singing obnoxiously loudly too, Brittany chanting beside her completely out of sync.

He turned his head to watch the scene, noting that Rachel was off to the side as well, and after a minute he caught her eye, patting the ground next to him. She shook her head 'no', barely moving at all, just a fraction of an inch so that if anyone else noticed they might think she was just moving naturally. He pressed on, patting the spot once more with what he hoped was a relatively innocent smile. She turned from him, now refusing to allow eye contact. He sighed and sat up, sure that if he called her over and she refused to walk over it would look weirder to the group. "Rachel!" he called, and sure enough Kurt turned and noticed how Rachel was ignoring him.

She seemed to sense this, her shoulders sagging as she headed towards the grass where Blaine was grinning, victorious in his attempt. "What do you want Blaine?" she asked, her voice weary, and his grin quickly faded.

"Sit," he offered.

"I don't want to."

"You don't want to spend time with me?" he asked, hoping he over exaggerated the fake hurt to cover the real pain underneath.

"Blaine, not right now-" he grabbed her hand, pulling her onto the ground with him, and she scowled but sat next to him, staring ahead at the party she clearly didn't want to be at.

"How come you don't want to be around me?" he asked, his voice lowered as he did the same, his gaze focused on where Finn was now yelling about a game of chicken that was sure to end badly.

"It's not that," she sighed after a moment. "I'm just, I'm tired," she lied. He was used to her mannerisms and ticks enough by now that he could just tell these things.

"Rachel," he said sternly, and she looked at him for the first time. She looked guarded, but he could see the hurt that lay beneath the guard, saw the damage he was inflicting because he couldn't stop himself. His own face softened, and he would have leaned over to kiss away the pain, wanted nothing more than to do so, but Kurt's shriek of laughter reminded him of where he was.

"Just, why?" she asked, and he didn't know if she wanted to know why he did this, why he did it with her, to her, or why he couldn't let her go. The answer to all these questions, he was slowly coming to terms with, was all the same.

He looked at her, sincerity coloring his face. "You just, you make me feel not alone," he answered. She bit her lip and nodded, looking down once more.

"But still alone enough that you won't leave Kurt," she replied, and the shot was low but justified.

"It's easy with Kurt," he told her. "I love him. And I can't picture my life without him right now." He was sure he heard a sniffle next to him, and a glance out of the corner of his eyes led him to the sight of her brushing a tear away, causing his heart to break some more. "I don't want to let you go," he finished quietly.

"Well, as happy as I am for you that you don't feel alone with me, I can't remember ever feeling lonelier," she said, her voice quiet and breaking. "So you're going to have to let me go, because I can't do it again. I won't do it again." She stood, brushing grass off her outfit as she walked away, Blaine laying back down to fend off the wave of sadness her words had brought upon him.


End file.
